When you go from a single and happening young girl in the city  (read: top viewer+fan of Romedy Now) to a newlywed who has to live with a BOY, you may need to make certain lifestyle changes.

Now, the media (particularly Times of India – you know what we’re talking about) has one imagining being a newlywed means, tons of family obligations (great time to utilize those “trousseau” pieces (NOT)), lots of mangal sutra wearing, lots of diamond ring flashing, tons of romantic dates at fancy restaurants, weekend getaways and vacations and whatnot. However, this post seeks to debunk certain myths and replace them with the TRUTHS of being a newlywed.

1. The storage area on the bed is now to be CLEAN and used by another human

Gone were the days of coming back from work (or nowhere) and dumping all her used clothes, giant hand bag, umbrella (hey it can rain any time), random bags, cell phone, wallet, etc. on one side of the bed. You know, the side on which she doesn’t sleep. Gone were the days when BO could lazily scatter fresh laundry on that storage area, and defer the folding-of-clothes ritual which is usually accompanied with copious amount of trashy-bollywood music listening.

Now, she needs to acknowledge that another human actually utilises that space and it needs to be empty. Usually TH just cleans it himself (read: dump said pile of clothes in the guest room) because, you know, that’s just easier.

2. There will be ugly chairs in the house (read: LazyBoy)

The first couple of things in the house were a huge ass TV and a black recliner.

BO would describe the decor in their house as being “modern minimalist”. Nothing about the TV and the recliner is minimalist (*cough* they take up half the space on a wall and floor space in the room respectively *end cough*). KNOW that the house WILL have “boy furniture” which you need to deal with (sidenote: it’s magical how such a monstrosity can be so comfortable that BO at times curls up on the recliner like a cat on a rug on a winter afternoon.).

3. New-found Errand Boy

MAJOR benefits ahead, y’all:

*Can guilt trip somebody else about grocery shopping (or lack thereof) now!!!*

*Can avoid making any home delivery calls*

*No more electrical fittings fixing!!!!*

*No more tracking down (read: incessantly calling till they show up and fix your broken things) the carpenter/plumber/garbage fellow/various vendors till they block your number (side note: BO has been known to call up, and then do a “follow up call” and then another till the guy shows up just to stop said stream of never ending calls)*

4. There will be shoes every.where

As if shoes belonging to just one person weren’t enough (side note: now BO isn’t really a shoe person (read: person who hunts for the (45379834th) perfect pair of crimson pumps) yet has managed to accumulate at least 15 pairs of shoes which are in perfectly decent condition and cannot be discarded as yet (blame 5 of the uber-blingy least used pairs on the recent wedding)), add another person’s shoes to the mix and yes, though TH is also not a shoe person, but if an innocent gullible reader were to walk into their house, they’d get the impression that both BO and TH are some variety of shoe collectors / shoe connoisseurs given the twenty pairs of SHOES they’d find in the living area alone.

5. There will be sports. LOTS of sports. (And very little Romedy Now)

There will be football, cricket, tennis, basketball, F1 (add sing song voice), table tennis, badminton, GOLF and various other kinds of sports – men, women, mixed, singles, double, MULTIPLE SPORTS at all times of the day, week, month, year. There will be LEAGUES, various kinds of posts (and comment threads on FB), LOT of cell phone gazing (somehow, TH has the rather magical skill of managing to “watch” (read: hear) whatever sport is going on on TV while commenting away to glory with must gusto/angst/enthu on some Facebook post (need not necessarily be related to that sport, or a sport).

6. Which Day is Laundry Day for Whom can lead to… issues

Self explanatory. Major communal activity in any household is…. LAUNDRY. Owing to the limited number of laundering machines (one), and limited number of drying racks (one), who gets to do laundry on Saturday evening (prime time for laundry it would appear) is a fun match looked forward to week after week. Someone, the maid who hand-washes some of TH’s shirts figured out this is a hotly contested spot for laundry-time and backed out of the match herself (resorted to using a day of the week – smart lady). In fact, BO had no idea that this were the case until she quietly pointed out one day “aap dono dekh lena shanivaar ka, main baad mein kar lungi“.

7. AC and Fan Fights Take a Whole New Meaning

A lot has been written and said about AC fights and temperature fights in office spaces, “scientific studies” about women feeling colder than men have been cited, many shawls have been worn and made fun of publicly, yet, there remains a bigger, a more enduring battlefield – the AC and Fan battle at home. Needs no further explanation. Imagine living with that office colleague who BO would imagine came straight from the North Pole (or just wears WAY too many layers to office (side note: *rant begins* WHY do men have to wear so many layers (vest, full sleeve shirt, some even wear waistcoats (really?), coat), socks, full sleeves and some zillion other pieces of fabric which no sane person should be wearing when it’s 40 degrees?? WHY can’t they be normal like women and wear normal cotton clothes (read: pretty kurta) that WILL make you freeze if the AC indoors is set at 18 degrees but will keep you perfectly fine outdoors where there is no AC? When will logic prevail? When will dress codes allow men to dress like intelligent human beings and not dress up for 20 degree weather when it’s really warmer (and inflict crazy AC temperatures on women who do dress like its 40 degrees and therefore WILL freeze in said inhuman temperatures)? *rant over*)

8. Anti-going-outside behaviour is now part of daily life

Saturday evenings used to be “lets go try out that new place“. Saturday evenings now are “lets order the same sandwich and fajitas that we know we love from Chilis (unsaid: for the 100th time) because we’re too lazy to put on real pants and go out of the house!!!” Now BO no longer needs to literally go out of the house to meet the TH. What that means is, when single friends (or the social couples (you know, every one has the couple friends who’re always enthu to try out new places every weekend and doing fun cultural things and are not like the anti-social, home-body, serial Friends-watcher and serial Chilis consumer that BO is)) talk about those new places that they recently went to or that new play or that new [insert fun new social activity that BO would have ZERO clue about (the kind of events which people keep saying they’re “interested in” on Facebook], BO has to intelligently (and quietly, because you know, she has ZILCH clue about this cool new event) nod her head, and do the Indian-head-bob conveying “yea totally, let’s do this” while actually secretly dreaming of her Cajun Club Sandwich and Grilled Chicken Fajitas from Chilis.

9. Weekend Vacations transform into Weekend Chores 

“Weekend vacations and getaways” are a thing of the past. When you can do laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning, bathroom scrubbing, bill paying and Chilis food hogging, why would you want to take a weekend vacation?!?!!

10. Discovery about the spartan existence of Boys

Only one soap? One shampoo?!?! Just one cologne?!?! (But 15 pairs of shoes?!!?! Hmm, may be TH is a closet shoe-person!??)

11. You will never run out of Thums Up and Batteries (the kinds they put in remote controls)

You may go days without atta chawal, weeks without aloo pyaaz, months without various utilitarian household goods, but, when THUMS UP gets over, it must be re-stocked. Actually, it’s re-stocked right before it gets over (as most people do with items of extreme importance to the running of their abode like say cooking gas, atta, chawal). If there is something that TH will not compromise on, it is quality Thums Up, and batteries (because living without the TV for even a day is like living like a caveman, you know, but that one faulty tube light in the bed room has not worked for 1.5 years condemning the inhabitants to read in YELLOW LIGHT *shudder* – who cares?!).

* – Those who are still uninitiated, pray tell, WHY? Please go read all previous posts under Category ‘A to Z Challenge’. Thanks much.